i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
