I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
