my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
