I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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