I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
love makes seman taste better
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
