You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
