she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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