Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You took a bar mat shot.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
