so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
