nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
