you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
