My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
