My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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