why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
