I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
