You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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