I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
