And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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