Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Randomize
