Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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