She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
