I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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