neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
