When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
