Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
