her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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