I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
