you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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