my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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