I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
