Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
