So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We had to coat check the pizza.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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