He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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