well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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