We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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