The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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