That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
