Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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