U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
it hurts more in the daytime
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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