So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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