It was confusing and full of hummus
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
cat food counts as protein by the way
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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