he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
