I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
