I just pynch a tree in the face
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
