Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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