I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
