I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
