she woke up with a sticky ear
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
