I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
