Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
