I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
