I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
