somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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